they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
