you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
