I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize