two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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