so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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