Welp...herpes.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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