i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
