is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
