i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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