Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
