Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
