Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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