Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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