1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize