Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize