My first STD was from a foam party
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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