That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
