I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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