you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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