So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
