come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
They have beer where we have blood.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
