Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
FUCK WHALES
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
