I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
