My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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