All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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