John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
