Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
