"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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