Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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