Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
