Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
