totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
