How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
