You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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