my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
