I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
