Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
