she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
