The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
