He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
