This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
