There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
