Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
