I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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