Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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