The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
