Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
