My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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