Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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