I think I won the penis lottery.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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