that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize