I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
worst night to have a conscience
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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