So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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