Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
