remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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