what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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